"NOSTRADAMUS, JR."KALIHER'S TOP 101 PREDICTIONS FOR 2012

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http://etherzone.com/2012/kali010112.shtml

Last year’s predictions, thanks to my unique ability to gaze into a crystal ball which amateurs mistake for an upside down goldfish bowl, graded out to 109 percent accuracy. While charlatan seers are overjoyed at achieving two percent accuracy, I "Nostradamus Jr." Kaliher will go to extraordinary lengths this year to ensure increases in accuracy and produce at least twelve triple predictions.

Nostradamus Jr., accompanied by twelve Egyptian belly dancers, two Siamese cats going by the pseudonym Ernie, a bottle of South Carolina deep swamp hootch and five gold rings ventured where even Nostradamus, Sr. never dared go. That’s right, Nostradamus Jr." got buck-assed naked and astral-projected to the capitol of the occult, Catemaco, Mexico, where seven Mayan mid-level priests and the world champion marble shooter waited. Holding hands with big Bertha from Wayside Drive, Houston, two well-built lasses on loan from Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop carrying a video of JaNut Reno doing Hillary, I led the Mayans in a little-known Aryan chant that translates to "Frere Jacques, frère Jacques, Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?," while doing the Shimmie shimmie co-co pop. The result was 409 prophesies popping forth of which I picked the 101 normal humans might understand and allow Ether Zone readers to plan their lives.

Last year’s predictions, thanks to my unique ability to gaze into a crystal ball which amateurs mistake for an upside down goldfish bowl, graded out to 109 percent accuracy. While charlatan seers are overjoyed at achieving two percent accuracy, I "Nostradamus Jr." Kaliher will go to extraordinary lengths this year to ensure increases in accuracy and produce at least twelve triple predictions.

Nostradamus Jr., accompanied by twelve Egyptian belly dancers, two Siamese cats going by the pseudonym Ernie, a bottle of South Carolina deep swamp hootch and five gold rings ventured where even Nostradamus, Sr. never dared go. That’s right, Nostradamus Jr." got buck-assed naked and astral-projected to the capitol of the occult, Catemaco, Mexico, where seven Mayan mid-level priests and the world champion marble shooter waited. Holding hands with big Bertha from Wayside Drive, Houston, two well-built lasses on loan from Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop carrying a video of JaNut Reno doing Hillary, I led the Mayans in a little-known Aryan chant that translates to "Frere Jacques, frère Jacques, Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?," while doing the Shimmie shimmie co-co pop. The result was 409 prophesies popping forth of which I picked the 101 normal humans might understand and allow Ether Zone readers to plan their lives.




1. The newest twist on the Birther movement will prove life after death when the real birth certificate reveals Barry Bin Hussein Obama was born dead.

2. After killing an eleven foot grizzly with a paring knife, superwoman Sarah Palin will save the nation by sucker-punching the MSM’s favorite Republican nominee and enter the race for the Republican Presidential nomination.

3. After extensive psychological studies, para-phycharists will determine Chaz Bone, aka. Chaz Boneless, is more normal than Cher.

4. A you-tube video of quivering Chris "Fatty" Matthews, finger-humping himself while watching an old Hubert Humphry speech, will draw millions of hits.

5. Deciding running illegal guns into Mexico didn’t cause enough deaths, Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, armed with a 30-30 rifle, will fly to the border, and snipe thirty Mexicans and two border patrol agents. President Obama will assure the media its okay to make excuses for Holder and anyone daring to question these murders are obviously racist.

6. The World’s Mysteries program will actually get inside the steel door of Keith "One-Enema-Too-Many" Olbermann’s office, but find the objects, photographs and sexual paraphernalia too weird to film for their audience.

7. Barbara "I screwed my way to the top" Walters will discover she’s just too old to bang her way into a top flight interview this year.

8. A New York Times reporter will be fired when the staff accidently lets a reference to Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama-- living on a dollar a month--appear on their website.

9. Realizing a single pod of Beluga whales releases more methane gas in a single year than the entire bovine population of Australia, New Zealand and Florida combined the heads of P.E.T.A., Green Peace and the Neo-Nazi party will apologize for supporting the "Save the Whales" campaign.

10. On February 26, 2012, Teddy Kennedy will celebrate thirty months of sobriety by spinning in his grave.

11. In an effort to attract gay readers, "Sports Illustrated" will feature a spread-eagled, string bikini-clad Barney Frank sprawled over white, sparkling, Caribbean sand in this year’s swimsuit issue.

12. Obama and Democrat leadership will continue to advocate the Greek economic model for the United States, but argue we can sink our system more quickly if we just try.

13. An e-mail will surface indicating Dick "Squat" Cheney, former Council on Foreign Relations Director, consulted George Soros on purchasing human hearts from third-world donors.

14. Former Ginzu knife salesman and general weirdo Ted Koppel, wearing a Alfred Angelo designer wedding dress, saddle oxfords and carrying a bouquet of daises, will wed an equally repulsive Phil Donahue attired in an Oscar de La Hoya designer gown, pink tennis and carrying a bouquet of sunflowers at the Liberace Passion Palace. The brides will refuse to identify which is the top man and which is the butt-boy claiming, they are ambidextrous.

15. Anthony Weiner will reemerge on the national scene as the face (and for swishy insiders, the penis) of Hebrew National.

16. PETA member Michael Vick will be arrested for assaulting Caesar Milan.

17. Due to declining poll results, desperate Democrat party leaders will okay a commercial highlighting First Lady Michelle Obama’s enormous derrière to solidify the humongous butt voting bloc.

18. The twelve universities that make up the Big Ten will change Legends and Leaders to Pedophiles and Perverts to designate their divisions.

19. Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many will encourage Obama to convert to Christianity rather than further embarrass Islam with his failure.

20. Liberal/Progressive/Democrats will excuse Albert "Carbon Footprint" Gore for the next maid he rapes, but won’t forgive him for embarrassing them by reminding people he suckered fellow libs into believing his "Global Warming" farce was real.

21. Leaked details will reveal the Smithsonian paid Barbra Streisand six million dollars for all rights to her snoz at her demise. Once bronzed, the nose will be exhibited as an example of what the twelve foot Goliath’s snout might have resembled.

22. Reports concerning Osama bin Laden’s demise will be dismissed after he’s recognized attending a Hollywood fund raiser for President Obama.

23. The NFL, wanting a sleazy Superbowl halftime show, obtained Madonna after deciding their first choice, porn stars, just had too much class in comparison.

24. Dennis Kucinich and Barbara Bush will become known as the "hot dog kids" and be an item in gossip newspapers.

25. Paranormal scientists will prove Brooklyn, N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, aka, Mahatma Gandhi, was reincarnated as a carp named Alfred who now makes his home in the lower Hudson River.

26. Physicians will prevent imbecilic Janeane Garofalo from continuing her dingle-berry diet in an effort to kick-start her brain.

27. The term "Occupy Wall Street protester" will replace "Useless as tits on a boar hog" as an expression to denote an act completely and totally valueless.

28. The Democrat media will take exception to "aggressive" President Barry Hussein Obama when the free media addresses his aggressive homosexuality.

29. Unable to grapple with her monumental failure, Katie Couric will undergo hormonal treatments, grow a beard, don a yarmulke and spend the remainder of her life under the name Rabbi Ciruoc until MI-5 decodes the name.

30. Unable to produce a stained dress, the public will not believe Monica Lewinski’s claim she used a cigar to do the nasty with Herman Cain.

31. Polls will indicate 97 percent of the public, if forced to choose, would prefer spending thirty minutes watching a grubby Wall St. protester take a public dump over watching Joy Baywhore.

32. More people will report spotting Elvis Presley this year than Jimmy Carter and Aaron Brown of NewsNight combined.

33. After the next election Obama will only get 80 percent of elected Republicans to support his newest stimulus to aid Wall Street, big banking and corporations.

34. Trying to determine Obama’s eligibility, the Supreme Court will order a study to determine how the "The Magic Negro" ended up President instead of working the midnight shift in a convenience store after he slipped over the border.

35. New York Times editors and reporters will undergo mental health therapy after a janitor absentmindedly leaves a copy of a two-year-old legitimate newspaper, and they discover their hero John Edwards, noted for abusing a cancer victim, denying paternity of his illegitimate child, and possibly being a blood brother of Mike Nifong, might not be a sweet guy.

36. After three years of in depth therapy by the world’s leading proctologists, Bill Press will sadly learn he’s such a complete ass his mental health treatments didn’t work.

37. The Penn State versus Houston bowl game will have a surprisingly large turnout stimulated by NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association, members who think they finally have a team in the Nittany Lions.

38. On the first anniversary of Chris Hitchen’s death, Christians of all denominations worldwide will join the Pope in Tebowing for Hitch.

39. Elvis Pressley will be canonized as the first protestant Saint.

40. Paris Hilton, winner of the first annual Democrat Woman’s Suck-Off will defend her championship by facing challenger Pamela Anderson in 2012. An unnecessarily tranquilized and already wooden Albert Gore will provide the tool for the contest.

41. On April 5th Abraham Van Helsing, VI will chase newly risen Katharine Graham down Pennsylvania Avenue, and with the aid of two Marine guards shooting silver-tipped bullets, manage to re-stake the shrew on the White House Lawn.

42. Tax escape artist Warren Buffet, despite being a laughing stock on taxes, will continue to claim others should be patriotic and pay more taxes.

43. The world of herpetologists will go wild over news that Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid, is the first reptile to have a human disease when he’s diagnosed with a severe case of chancroid.

44. Honorary Nazi George Soros will celebrate his 107th birthday by obtaining human organs from an American instead of having the Chinese harvest this year’s replacements.

45. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will make a fool of herself yet again by borrowing the liberal global warming hockey stick model to prove this year’s apple crop has deadly worms, armed with Glocks, hiding in every Red Delicious.

46. The bizarre collection that form the American Psychological Association will decide former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky’s actions were normal.

47. New evidence will surface concerning Obama’s reputed drug use and homosexual involvement with Larry Sinclair. Vice President Biden’s comment on the allegations will be, "While I’m not gay, I’ve seen Michelle many times. In comparison, old Larry don’t look too bad, plus he dresses better."

48. Clinton second-story man, Sandy Berger a.k.a. Sandy "the Burglar" Berger, not realizing the vault is empty will disguise himself in a bunny outfit, but still be picked up for questioning when he’s discovered hanging around Ft. Knox.

49. Feeling the need to be laughed at and ridiculed further, American clown and inadequate male, Charlie Sheen will re-launch his nationwide tour to further demonstrate his chump-hood.

50. Television history will be made when Chucky "Sanctimonious" Schumer, Democrat, N.Y., is the only person watching CNBC’s Keith "One-Enema-Too-Many" Olbermann on May 9, 2012.

51. Hillary "Hot-rod Rodman" Clinton will top her "I came under fire in Bosnia" lie and her "I was named after Edmund Hillary" lie by claiming she was elected "Miss Cranberry Bog of 1937," by beating out Sophia Loren and Miley Cyrus for the title.

52. New York Times contortionist, Paul "Sweet Potato" Krugman, will make an error by actually getting his first economic prediction correct.

53. Bill Clinton will be charged in both the United States and Great Britain as a serial rapist. His defense will be: "You expect a man who can’t define ‘is’ to understand the concept of rape?"

54. Conservatives will stop using flea spray to keep liberals at bay and instead just start talking about the Global Warming fraud they swallowed.

55. Feeling like being white trash just isn’t enough, Kim Kardashian will go on a crash diet to gain three hundred pounds in an effort to succeed Elizabeth "Pork Chop" Taylor as America’s least thought of fat lady.

56. Tabloids will hint Bradley Pitt, Samuel L. Johnson and a Dominicker named Elmer are an item.

57. Left-wing media propagandists will be aghast when Nancy Grace pistol whips a defense attorney representing a child molester.

58. Newt Gingrich will convert to Democratism when his presidential run blows up after he’s caught trying to fondle Michele Bachmann during a debate.

59. Piers Morgan despite all charges claiming he gained news by underhanded and/or illegal methods proven true will still maintain his position as CNN’s employee with the most integrity.

60. On the ides of January, Rinos and Democrats will shutter cross the plain for Palin will be bringing pain for betrayers and crooks of both parties.

61. Liberal writers will run out of accolades when describing Michele Obama’s appearance at a White House function wearing an authentic leopard skin. Hollywood scouts will announce they’d cast her as Jane in the next Tarzan if she’s remove the bone through her nose.

62. By early March, most leftist’s so-called writers and broadcasters will be able to hook as many as three sentences together without including the term "Arab Spring."

63. Kim Jong Il of golf fame, will rise from the dead and introduce break-dancing to the Korean People.

64. The Obama administration, with neo-con support, will prove Iran doesn’t need a nuclear deterrent by bombing them back to the stone-age.

65. The CIA will aid the media trying to determine how information on Ron Paul keeps reaching the American public.

66. Alex Jones’ investigations into government corruption will tie up three drones during the new year.

67. Janet Napolitano will appear shaving with four NFL players in a razor commercial aimed at the bull-dyke buyer.

68. Slow-witted Cindi Sheehan will figure out why the media doesn’t love her shtick during a Democrat administration.

69. The militant ultra orthodox Jewish group, the Circumcised Hammer, will throw yet another wrench in the gears of atheist Progressives by investing in a cut-rate Christmas tree farm located next to an ACLU office.

70. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien medicine bottle.

71. A slightly mustached Caroline Kennedy will, give up her love for raw mussels mixed in oatmeal to make a play for Arnold Schwarzenenegger to keep him in the family.

72. Tom Harkin will provide a sequel to his Vietnam lies when he claims he previously flew with Pappy Boyington.

73. America’s favorite crone, H. Rodham Clinton, harking back to her infamous Selma days, will employ her "colored voice" in an effort to save the black vote for Obama in the next election.

74. Not Our Wombs, NOW, spokeslady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpop, will become a regular on "Swamp People," after she wrestles a female alligator into submission.

75. A Tea-Party Republican will ask on leftist television why hasn’t America’s clown Barack Hussein Obama brought peace and stability to the world by sending Chicago Community Organizers overseas.

76. After the Senate repeals article 125 of the UMJC making sodomy legal in the military, Senator John McCain will state, "I wouldn’t have voted for repeal if I’d known sodomy was sex. I usually vote against sex. Meanwhile Senator Lindsey Graham will join Senate Democrats in signing a proclamation stating, "Don’t knock sodomy if you haven’t tried it.

77. Chicago Political insiders will instruct Southern Democrats on how to control the black vote and still elect white candidates.

78. Michael Jackson’s family will sue Obama for stealing Michael’s patent-pending crotch-salute.

79. Herman Cain will legally change his name to "William Herman Cain Clntion" to force the media to say it’s just about sex and ignore his infidelities so he can re-enter the race for the Republican nomination.

80. A naked Paul Begala will be photographed doing the dirty with Michael Moore and a masked illegal Hottentot named Ambrose.

81. Al "Alley-Cat" Sharpton, the Right Reverend, and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend "God Damn" Wright will bring a class action suit against Eric Holder, claiming it’s unfair for him to use Federal funds to spew more racial hatred than they can accomplish by strong-arming money from weak CEOs.

82. Scatologist Sheryl Crow will tearfully recount wiping with four ply tissue paper before she saw the light in an interview with fellow pervert Dave Letterman.

83. After determining legality no longer counts, Hugo "Merdé face" Chavez will produce a Hawaiian birth certificate and consider running against Obama for the Democrat Presidential nomination.

84. California citizens will pass a resolution stating: Any judge, Federal or State, overturning or blocking a state passed resolution will be immediately declared an outlaw and subject to being shot by any citizen of California.

85. Democrat party insiders are focusing on a guy who drains oil at a Detroit area jiffy Lubes in hopes of finding a candidate less qualified than Obama to run in a future presidential race.

86. While scratching his ass, in a manner he learned from studying a Jane Goodall treatise on great ape grooming maneuvers, the truth will hit Newt Gingrich next Wednesday morning and he says, "You know, those true Republicans, conservatives and libertarians really don’t want me on the Virginia ballot."

87. A media outlet will finally report Al Gore won’t visit the White House due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color (what normal people term Negroes).

88. Due to Republican failure to prosecute Obama and Democrat complicity in crimes against both humanity and mother earth, Jacques Yves Cousteau will return from the dead to bitch-slap the crap out of Barry Obama for having singlehandedly killed more sea life and extinguished more species than any human in history by making the sea disaster a hundred fold worse with his incompetent management of the BP oil spill.

89. Satan’s more evil son George Soros, Democrat, Hungry, will be suspected of producing snuff films this year.

90. A Hollywood Democrat fund-raiser will break all records when both Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Rodman Clinton, decked out in jack-boots, Dominatrix uniforms, including full SS insignias, compete for the Bitch of Year award before their ravenous supporters.

91. A liberal’s head will actually explode this year when confronted with the question, "Do you really think water-boarding someone under a Republican administration is worse than allowing Obama the right to order a citizen’s assassination?"

92. When Obama’s poll numbers drop below 37 percent, Democrat party elders, backed by the media, will admit he wasn’t born in the United States, but is actually the son of Zeus born on Mt. Olympus.

93. In the Presidential debate Obama will make the point the media had no reason to mention Darfur, homelessness, Club Gitmo or environmental problems of any type thanks to his enlightened leadership.

94. The NFL will issue a fuzzy apology to Hank Williams, Jr., in an effort to lure him back to instill some life in ever more boring professional football.

95. The Department of Navy will hire the wife of Democrat Governor Rod Blagojevich to teach newly recruited seaman how to swear.

96. Fox News liberalism and Neo-con involvement will become evident to Republicans as their hosts become even more hysterical over Ron Paul.

97. Michael Savage, noted moderate political radio commentator, will chastise Joe Biden publically when his racism again oozes forth with more talk about "macaca" and clean, articulate Negroes he’s worked with.

98. More Americans will recognize the evil controlling the media that allows slime like Bill Maher to ooze forth from under rocks to infect innocence.

99. Afro-American Teressa Hines Kerry will leave what’s-his-face for a prison marriage to O.J. Simpson.

100. Rupert Murdock’s butt-boy, Ted Turner, will aid the President by taking turns sitting on the speckled reptilian egg Mr. Obama lays.

101. Snopes will deny Obama’s been nominated for conman of the millennia.

Bonus prediction: In 20011, Target announced it was a family store and breast feeding is okay. In 2012, their family policy will be advanced by allowing newlywed couples to try to conceive in their linen department. College students (engaged or friends with benefits) will be encouraged to practice in the parking lot.

Now, Dear Readers, you know how 2012 will unfold, so plan accordingly. "Nostradamus Jr." Kaliher thanks the staff at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop, especially Dick and Mick for their input when I returned from Olmec country with this year’s insights. Little Eva’s curves distracted me, but with the help of recently distilled white-lightening I persevered in recording the future despite her delightful and abundant distractions.

William B. Kaliher is mainly writing on Mexico these days and working with his travel business at http://www.billsmexicantours.com