“Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2019 - Printable Version

+-- Forum: SARTRE Commentary (
+--- Forum: Stuck on Stupid (
+--- Thread: “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2019 (/showthread.php?tid=76131)

“Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2019 - SARTRE - 12-29-2018

“Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2019
        William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher

     A shapely, shimmering feminine silhouette somewhere in the distance kept interrupting my stupor. A woman, no, a sex goddess came into focus. Dang, I felt spaced out and recalled downing a quart jar of bad corn liquor slap dab in the middle of Big Earl’s House of Porn and Bait Shoppe before the light faded. The goddess was shapely Lucille and she slipped up close. Oh, lord her endowments felt good. “You finished your predictions yet, Nostradamus, Jr.?” she purred.

Lordy, Lordy have mercy, them predictions hadn’t crossed my mind in months. The whole dang crowd in Big Earl’s, plus a lost tourist from Trenton, N.J. were betting whether I could pull it off yet again -- despite Lucille, shimmying up and down, weaving them hips in a way to hypnotize most mortal men. But not Nostradamus, Jr., when them annual predictions called. I thought, one more night of frolicking with Little Egypt and twelve imported belly dancers with super-perilous curves and tomorrow I’d go.

I sobered up at noon and spotted my buddy Urboga Gonzalas, the illegal Mexican bigfoot, squatting on the dock eating from an expired can of sardines. Two years earlier Urboga and I had such a celebratory drunk in Catemaco, Mexico, the Federales said, “Ya’ll ain’t no stink’n Poncho and Lefty,” and warned us not to return for a few years. Man alive, so nice to think we could safely return to Mexico instead of having to read polar bear paws in the north of Alaska to obtain predictions. 

“Urboga,” I hollered. “Come on down and help me load the flat head Ford with moon. We can finally return to your nation.”
 Oh man, Urboga was the happiest Mexican Sasquatch I’d ever seen. His taste sought tequila and he’d get mean not having any until we could get a half gallon of local moon down him. Tell you what: it’s a tough go, wrestling a mean acting Mexican big foot into submission. Before we left, Lucille’s little sis, the lady named Lou, ran in shouting, “I’ve never done Mexico and ya’ll need a secretary. Plus, I’d look good dressed like a senorita.”

  Hang, Lou wudda looked good dressed like a dad-burn lumberjack. After three days of solid driving, we reached Catemaco, Mexico. Most city folks wouldn’t understand a straight forty-eight hour drive and I ain’t a particular fraidy-cat, but it was tough sleeping with a liquored-up bigfoot driving our hot- running ‘46 Ford.  Sexy Lou rode shotgun. She never batted an eye even when Urboga would occasionally run off the pavement, a while, in an effort to pick up some fresh road kill.

Finally safe in Catemaco, Mexico, I, Nostradamus Jr., slightly unsteady after four Mason jars of South Carolina deep swamp hootch brought from Big Earl’s prepared to consult the Olmec stones and statues. Urboga didn’t even help but ran off into the rain forest to pursue a lady big foot.

While Lou lounged there on the malecon in her string bikini stopping traffic, I waded into Laguna Catemaco until I could do a nice breast stroke. Slowly I floated about letting my talented toes rub, stroke and brush the sunken ancient idols. One hundred one times the dang idols shot electricity up my legs, worse than the tingles Chris Wallace has when he gets the hots for Obama, and I shouted out a prediction each time.

Well, Dear Readers, I’ll cut this intro short. Despite the distraction of Lou letting her skirt ride high on her fine thighs we continued back to Big Earl’s. Oh heck, we’d have made it back a week sooner but with lust and several bottles of Sotol, I couldn’t fight Lou’s distraction all the time. The point is we made it back and based on past statistical studies you can expect a 121 percent accuracy rating, not counting the double hits in some predictions. So again I, Nostradamus,Jr. Kaliher, have seen and now reveal future information for 2019 so you can plan your life.
  1. Companies will appear that pump second-hand smoke into people’s homes to improve the health of families.
  2. A Japanese sociological study will reveal White Privilege comes in third behind Black Privilege and number one Elite Liberal Privilege.
  3. Arguments over tortilla etiquette will cause a Mexican revolution that breaks the country into five distinct nations, named: Taco Bell si’, Gringolandia South, Old Mexico, West Alabama and Land of Palms.
  4. In the comeback-from-oblivion of the year, Tonya Harding will employ a more discrete knee basher and win a special Congressional election in Oregon.
  5. Koffee, Koke & MJ’s will replace Starbutt’s as the favorite place for swells to congregate and look down on the small people.
  6. Pigs as pets will become popular among homeowners living near mosques.
  7. The Catholic Church will consult Jehovah Witness leaders and advertise on Craig’s list in an effort to find a Christian to replace the International Socialist now holding the Pope position.
  8. A Fordham University place kicker will win the 2019 Heisman after making three field goals by ricocheting the ball off the tight ends helmet.
  9. For safety reasons the NFL will further pussify football and reduce player contact by having the teams suit up, meet at midfield, snarl and growl at each other, then decide the game with a coin flip.
  10. Democrat Party Spokeswhore Stormy Daniels will announce, since she has the highest moral standards among Democrat contenders, and is the only one who knows the Donald intimately she will run to be the Democrat nominee for President.
  11. Scientists and birdwatchers alike will become concerned when aggressive twelve-pound sparrows become common after breeding near San Francisco’s wastewater plant.
  12. Internet video of Jerrold Nadler cutting farts in his pink bubble bath and biting the gigantic bubbles will make New York Democrats even prouder of their representative.
  13. N.Y. City medical authorities will verify the Guinness Book of World Records entry that Joy Baywhore required multiple surgeries due to the worst rug-burned knees of any previous woman sucking her way to the top.
  14. Anderson Cooper will don child’s water-wings when he squats in two feet of water during his next fake-news hurricane appearance.
  15. John Bolton will shave his mustache in a futile attempt to make people quit calling him the military-industrial complexes’ man in Washington.
  16. Scientists will apply shock therapy to people who had no problem with, “read my Lips! No new taxes!,” “You can keep your doctor,” and “I never had sex with that woman,” but claim Trump is a liar in hopes of jump starting their brains.
  17. Republican House Members will pressure House Democrats by introducing legislation to allow 350 million illegal Chinese to enter the USA as they are even poorer than Central American illegals.
  18. Mohammed Ali Bubba will become a reformed Moslem, sell his slaves, move to Macon, Georgia and open a pork barbeque restaurant named Mohammed’s Pork-Land Sty.
  19. In one of its saner moves, the new Democrat Congress will launch an investigation to prove Barron Trump is actually 108 years old and formerly worked as a Auschwitz prison guard. Their theory will be the evil Trump family is now covering for him.
  20. Acme Corp. and NASA will join forces to develop a large drone carrying clear plastic support straps to continually hover over Barbra Streisand to prevent her snout from dragging along the ground.
  21. In an effort to recover some reputation and prove to the public the pitiful New York Times is not entirely fake news the Times will run an article stating they recalled their man in Iraq, Baghdad Bob, and can now report American forces, to Saddam’s chagrin, have defeated the Republican Guard and taken the airport.
  22. One fourth the national debt will be retired when the networks sponsor a pay for view tag-team match between Ivanka “The Slavic Stunner” Trump and Sarah “Snowball” Palin taking on Hillary Rodham “The Infected Rodent” Clinton and Nancy “Boom-Boom” Pelosi in a no-holds barred fight to the finish.
  23. The international media and uber leftists will go further nuts when North Korea moves closer to the United States and the Great Leader donning a MAGA hat legally changes his name to Kim Jong-Trump.
  24. The Neilson ratings will reveal Kaliher’s microwave oven draws a larger audience than MSNBC.
  25. Fat little Anna Navarro will win Cleveland’s first waddle-thon in a time of thirteen hours and twenty-nine minutes.
  26. Monkey molester Jane Goodall will finally be charged for destroying a species’ natural progression and fear of humans for all time.
  27. Scientists will debate if television bore Larry King is now alive, and whether he was alive when working for CNN.
  28. PETA spokesman and expert dog trainer Michael Vick will announce PETA will start attacking scientists trying to eradicate the Ebola virus.
  29.  Pope Frances, the first non-Christian pontiff will be caught partying hard on tape at Nevada’s Bunny Ranch.
  30. Anthony Weiner will do adult only commercials for Ball Park hot dogs.
  31. Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s less serious self will be blamed for causing the black plague centuries ago.
  32. Mick Jagger will appear in black face when the Stones release a gospel album titled “Swing lo.’”
  33. Federally-funded scientist Milton P. Milton PhD’s, RQQ, RN, Esq. will spend 2019 determining why we don’t walk in circles more often.
  34. Elvis will be located after hiding out for 39 years disguised as an Elvis Impersonator.
  35. ABC's most inaccurate and emaciated reporterette, hollow-eyed Kookie Roberts, will land a movie part and star as the most realistic zombie to ever appear in any previous zombie movie.
  36. Satan’s more evil son, 109-year-old Nazi George Soros, will purchase future organs to keep him alive from starving Venezuelans since socialism brought the cost of organs to new lows.
  37. Barefooted and half naked, slow-witted Cindi Sheehan will be discovered wandering snow covered New York streets mumbling, “Where are my liberal friends now?”
  38. Tea party insiders will spend the year trying to figure out how to defeat Mitch McConnell, by overcoming his Democrat Party support.
  39. Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many will write a thesis explaining why it is right the POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITES support Islam and Sharia law.
  40. In an attempt to keep the media off balance Trump will change cabinet members at an ever more rapid rate.
  41. Only Carl Rove will be shocked when the media finally admits “Alley Cat” Al Sharpton is a major league tax cheat.
  42. On February 26, 2019, nine Irish drunks will gather at 1 pm, and each drain a quart of Wild Turkey in honor of swimming champ and unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy at his grave and ask, “Teddy boy, how’d you do it?” as Ted celebrates one-hundred and thirty-six months of sobriety.
  43. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien thimble.
  44. Addressing the nation over the Second Amendment Mr. Trump will appear dressed as Roy Rodgers.
  45. In an effort to recover her fake minority status Elizabeth Warren will first claim she is 1/16th hottentot. When that fails she will claim she’s the world’s tallest albino pygmy which will be accepted as truthful by liberal sycophants who can’t see people without seeing race.
  46. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will claim her scientific studies prove newly active volcano activity in Antarctica has nothing to do with the minor melting and calving there.
  47. Ancient Aliens will present evidence a statue of Barney Fife was worshipped during Egypt’s Middle Kingdom.
  48. Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann will remain the most admired pervert by low-info and low-life Democrats.
  49. Oil billionaire Albert “Mr. Pasty” Gore will produce a documentary warning of the dangers of “Man Made Pancakes. America’s snowflakes will immediately demand breakfast restaurants quit selling pancakes or shut down.
  50. Trump will honor Democrat voters by putting one of their own on the new twenty dollar bill—yes, Mr. Potato Head.
  51. Abraham Van Helsing, VI, will report George Soros removed the state from Katharine Graham and she escaped her tomb and is again debasing the most innocent.
  52. Disney Studios will be refused permission to film the Romanovs return to the Kremlin.
  53. Failing leftwing magazine Sports Illustrated will follow up on honoring fraudulent Christine Blasley Ford by recognizing Jodi Arias for having prevented a traffic infraction in the year 3032 by having savagely taken out her boyfriend.
  54. Investigating the Steel Dossier and associated criminal FBI agents will reveal Hillary Clinton was more twisted than anyone knew. Not only did she have the false Dossier introduced as a criminal fraud on the courts but tried to get away with personally debasing one of the many men who beat her during her sad existence. Hillary donned a Rubber Donald Trump mask, entered the Moscow hotel and personally urinated over Obama’s bed from a particularly ugly and vulgar angle to blame the sprinkle on Trump.
  55. In a failed attempt to make priest and preacher sex abuse more palpable Father Ivan “Fingers” McGurski will launch a Catholic Legal Defense Fund.” But, his slogan “What’s an occasional diddle between Pals?,” will be counterproductive.
  56. The world’s record holder for total facelifts, Nancy Pelosi, will once again sport the best rack of any Speaker since the creation of the nation.
  57.   Mr. Trump will address the nation on the coldest July day as a requiem is held for the death of Man Made Global Warming, Global Warming and although 30 years late for oil tycoon and wooden Indian Albert Gore.
  58. Feeling embolden by the House Democrats refusal to protect the border Osama bin Laden will openly walk about the Crawford ranch.
  59. ABC's most laughable reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will claim she formerly known as Twiggy.
  60. Robert “Robbie the Rat” Mueller, famous for knowingly leaving innocent men in prison, will be indicted for his part in the murder of “Whitey” Bulger. “Robbie the Rat’s” defense is he was busy determining if it was Hillary’s urine on the Moscow bed sheets.
  61. Due to his firm belief the Prophet soared about on a flying donkey Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine man will be elevated to a position of prominence in the POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITES movement.
  62. Satan’s more evil son, 111 year-old Nazi George Soros will be extradited to Israel to be tried for his crimes against humanity but Democrat leadership will see the swine escapes to Sudan where he will continue market manipulation to harm middle class citizens.
  63. PBS, the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of national politicians, has so far left they will hire ex-USSR KBG agents to represent what to them would be a conservative view.
  64. Federally-funded scientist, Milton P. Milton PhD’s, Dop, will claim dropping worldwide temperatures are the result of a vast rightwing conspiracy to disprove man-made global warming.
  65. The media,  will continue to avoid branding Hillary Clinton as racist for calling Donna Brazille, “Buffalo.“ Ms. Brazile will remain so terrified of the Clinton’s she will claim she gets off on being called Buffalo.
  66. Among the top politically correct stupidly in the new year Uncle Ben will be demoted and replaced by Tio Juan’s White Rice.
  67. America’s race hustlers will back off on reparation demands when CPAs’ determine due to past welfare and special race based payoffs white liberals and black activists owe far more to the nation than what they are demanding.
  68. Rosie O’Donnell , will lose 114 pounds so she can play Jake LaMotta in a remake of Raging Bull.
  69. CNN’s token minority Hispanic, Jim Acosta will further embarrass CNN by upgrading to a better media position when he is employed as a carnival barker and appears wearing a shiny read nose.
  70. The swamp will really roil over when Trump nationalizes the Kentucky National Guard to oversee random citizens do a walk through and inventory of Ft. Knox.
  71. In Robbie “the Rat” Mueller’s never ending inquisition he will resort to randomly subpoenaing people named Smith.
  72. Ever quivering, pasty Chris “Porky Pig” Matthews’ will suffer physical harm after taking his own rectal temperature 37 time while under the influence.
  73. In a desperate attempt to reclaim her Indian heritage, questionably elected Sen. Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren will force Massachusetts Public Broadcasting to let her deliver a four hour speech in her native lingo. Despite the state’s low information voters sitting enthralled during the babbling, linguists will state after the first fifteen minutes of poor pig-Latin the remaining gibberish failed to be any recognizable language.
  74.  A conservative think tank will torment snowflakes and other liberal perverts by claiming they identified and are keeping secret 19 new genders the leftist world failed to recognize and continues to abuse in their ignorance.
  75. Miley Cyrus’ will release a song titled “My good ol’ big’n is better than Huma Abedin’s big ol’ good’n.”
  76. Left wing propaganda journal posing as “Sports Illustrated” already failing will completely fold when their remaining profitable issue, the sex edition, featuring girls in swimsuits crashes after they add transsexuals as cover girls.
  77. Public intellectual, noted classical liberal, radio host, Michael Savage, will expose modern liberal hypocrisy by asking why the POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITIES didn’t oppose democrat rapists and abusers of women and children during the last elections?
  78. The president of the NAACP will announce as far as he is concerned “racist trees” can only be spotted by Palm Springs Mayor Robert Moon which indicates Afro-Americans can now safely stand in the shade.
  79. More Antarctica government secrets will be revealed by the independent media. Why John Kerry and Newt Gingrich were sent there won’t yet be revealed.
  80. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s lack of knowledge will make her exhibit number one for defunding public education.
  81. A review of Leonardo De Vinci’s papers will reveal a never before translated scrap of paper, “Voto Repubblicano.”
  82. Liberal-green corporations experiments to invent carton-less milk will result in more spilled milk.
  83. An illegal will capture democrat party operative Christine Blasey Ford but finding her too repulsive to rape will only diddle with her you know what. Police won’t bother following up when she reports the crime based on her previous false sexual abuse testimony.
  84. Reported missing by his single viewer police will break into talentless Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann’s bolted steel office door to find it empty.  A search for the rumored pervert will not ensue.
  85. The “Politically Correct” History Channel will actually produce a program claiming Africans were China’s original inhabitants.
  86. POUND ME TOO hypocrites will cheer Hillary Clinton for reconstituting her Bimbo Squad to stalk, threaten and blackmail any woman reporting being violated by an illegal alien.
  87. "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokes lady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will Walk Away because democrats supported rapists and abusers in the last mid-term elections.
  88. The fake news media will inadvertently mention Democrat leftist hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein and unindicted serial rapist Bill Clinton engaging in child sex. Sadly, only one democrat voter in thirty will absorb enough of the story to be curious.
  89. Due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color, racist Al Gore and his lily-white security force will avoid visiting the United States for yet another year.
  90. Facing prosecution for treason Anthony Weiner will attempt to earn money by introducing “Carlos Danger’s infamous weenie” trading cards. Sadly for Mr. Weiner there won’t be enough gay customers purchasing to even cover the expense of making the trading cards much less pay attorney fees.
  91. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright won’t know who to turn to when the makers of Brown Sugar refuse to pay  hush money for using “brown” in their product name.
  92. Unindicted, serial mass murderer Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, will be arrested and charged for planning the next school mass shooting while out of office.
  93. PETA activists will stage a nude sit-in to protest mosquito eradication programs eight miles north of the Dismal Swamp.  Police won’t need to break up the PETA activists as a mosquito swarm will educate the loons on insect life.
  94. In a heart breaking moment for herpetologist this spring, Scarlett Throated Mitch McConnell will be spotted sunning on a warm rock while emitting a lonely mating call for Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid to return to their love nest.
  95. Political Scientists and Geneticists will determine a thimble has far too much volume to hold the political beliefs and wisdom of LeBron James. They see no reason to waste so much space and suggest cutting the top two-thirds of a 22 cal. shell off. The reduced shell would contain his collective thoughts and still provide plenty of extra room for the thoughts and wisdom of a dozen more liberals.
  96. Brooklyn, N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, aka. Mahatma Gandhi, will adopt a female persona and become the first male Rockette.
  97. Supreme Court Jester Ruth “the Bladder” Ginsberg will be unable to fix her next DUI arrest.  However, Democrats will claim it is inclusive to have a mentally impaired alcoholic representing the people.
  98. The international corporate media will have to work hard to come up with a new the-sky-is-falling to raise leftwing sucker’s hysteria in 2019 but they believe they can top American dolts fear of Manmade Global Warming and plastic tracking down and chocking wildlife to death.
  99. There will be actual suicides among liberals when they discover not only does Melania Trump speak seven more languages than Michael Obama but her Eubonics is far superior to either Obama.
  100. Sen. Blumenthal, known as a low life turd for bragging about his Vietnam exploits when he was never there will size up his democrat voting bloc and convince them he was once in the secret space program and was the first human to walk on Mars. The corporate media will ensure low information voters don’t question his assertion.
  101. Those under forty will be exposed to Sophia Warren and wonder why their generation of Hollywood stars lacks any sex goddesses. 
Safely back at Big Earl’s House of Porn and Bait shoppe, I “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher leave you with a true glimpse of the future. Now you can plan your life with confidence while I plan on enjoying a three month drunk.

The creator of “Nostradamus, Jr. Kaliher” is William B. Kaliher. He is the author of over 600 articles and Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide.